Workshops Help Families Navigate Grief After Suicide Loss

Mary Casey learned the heartbreaking truth of her father’s death, which she long believed to be from a heart attack, during a family gathering. At just 21 years old, a casual remark from a cousin revealed that Richard Casey had died by suicide. For over a decade, from the age of nine, Mary had been told her father succumbed to natural causes. The revelation left her grappling with a complex grief that would linger for years.

Decades later, Mary began to confront her trauma through workshops conducted by psychotherapists Brendan and Eileen O’Brien in Cork. These sessions, particularly focused on the family constellation method, provide participants insights into trans-generational patterns that affect mental health. The approach, developed by Bert Hellinger, involves representing family members to better understand hidden dynamics.

Reflecting on her father’s death, Mary recounted, “I think somewhere deep inside I knew. Even at nine years old, I thought it seemed a bit odd that someone would die in a hotel bedroom on their own.” She described the moment she learned the truth as jarring, saying, “I felt like the ground had opened up and swallowed me.” Despite the painful truth, she kept her knowledge hidden from her mother and continued to struggle with her grief.

For years, Mary commemorated her father’s death in silence, feeling trapped in her emotions. “The only time I had to acknowledge my dad’s death was on his anniversary every year on November 18,” she noted. This painful ritual often forced her to confront her loss alone.

In discussing the stigma surrounding suicide, Mary emphasized that even in loving families, such tragedies can occur. “I was an only child. My mum and dad met late in life. When they married, they were very much in love,” she remarked. This love, however, led her mother to shield Mary from the truth, which compounded the emotional turmoil Mary faced throughout her life.

Over time, Mary came to understand the importance of honesty about suicide. “I think every child should be told the truth but in an age-appropriate way,” she stated. She believes that open discussions about such topics could foster healing and understanding, especially for children.

Mary credits the workshops conducted by Brendan and Eileen O’Brien with facilitating her healing journey. “When I heard that he was running free workshops for people bereaved by suicide, I signed up straight away. Soon as I started them, I knew this was where my healing was,” she explained. Now, she feels empowered to share her father’s story with her children and has cultivated a sense of love and acceptance surrounding his death.

Nuala Burke, another participant in the workshops, continues to navigate her grief after the loss of her son, Stephen, who died by suicide eight years ago at the age of 37. “Steve was lovely, funny and talented,” she recalled fondly. Despite the love surrounding him, she noted that this was not enough to prevent his tragic end.

Nuala described her experience with shock following her son’s death as profound. “I had my concerns that something like this might happen, so it shouldn’t have been a bolt out of the blue,” she said. However, she found herself unable to process the loss for an extended period, revealing the lasting impact of grief.

She advocates for awareness and understanding around suicide, stating, “I often describe suicide as a kind of perfect storm. There’s never any one simple reason.” Nuala shared the frustration she felt upon encountering misconceptions about suicide, particularly the notion that it is a selfish act. “This comment just highlighted to me the work that still needs to be done in raising awareness of suicide,” she noted.

Both Mary and Nuala emphasize the significance of the workshops led by Brendan and Eileen O’Brien. Brendan, who has dedicated much of his career to mental health advocacy, draws from personal and professional experiences. The tragic death of his aunt by suicide in 1977 compelled him to help those affected by similar losses.

Brendan’s approach recognizes that intergenerational trauma can influence mental health and contribute to suicidal ideation. “In my time, if a girl got pregnant and was told not to darken her family’s doorstep again, she was excluded from that family,” he explained. Such exclusions can reverberate through generations, affecting family dynamics and mental well-being.

Brendan and Eileen O’Brien’s workshops aim to address these issues, offering valuable support to those grappling with the stigma surrounding suicide. Brendan has also published a new book, Understanding Suicide: A New Lens, which explores family constellations and shares stories from participants who have attended his workshops.

As World Suicide Prevention Day approaches on September 10, the narratives of Mary and Nuala highlight the importance of addressing mental health openly and compassionately. Through workshops and community support, families affected by suicide can find paths toward healing and understanding.